What happens when we realize how immature we are?
“Look, today I set before you a blessing and a curse:”
– Deuteronomy 11:26
Lifestyle of Cursing
Last week I wrote about a lifestyle of blessing as a sign of maturity, and then I received a gift I didn't recognize at first.
I went and lived a lifestyle of cursing revealing my immaturity.
I'm going to wait a week before going to the next sign in order to unpack my experience and hopefully help all of us on this journey.
Over the weekend I entered into a pattern of criticism and judgment that colored the lenses through which I viewed the world, revealed a lot of darkness, and provided an opportunity for growth, i.e. parts of my shadow were revealed. Doing shadow work is a lifelong endeavor, and I'm slowly learning to be thankful for times like this past weekend when I can more clearly see what's been hidden. Thus, I hope to show more clearly how this series isn't about being mature or immature, but about seeing areas of growth by God's grace and doing the shadow boxing necessary to move forward by God's Spirit.
The more we understand what maturity or Christlikeness looks like, the more easily we can see when our immaturity shows itself. Because of Jesus these times do not have to be depressing but rather can be seen as grace gifts from God who is calling us into Himself, into the light of His love. Let me describe what this looked like for me.
RIPE FOR REVELATION
I was in a situation that was ripe for revelation. Our family went to LA for a wedding. The wedding was a wonderful celebration, and the new couple have excitedly begun their married life. Everything I say below is about my issues. Everyone at the wedding did their best, it was beautiful, and God was honored.
We arrived on Thursday afternoon and departed on Sunday morning giving us two and a half days total. Tons of people we love, most of whom we haven't seen in a long time, attended the wedding which meant we were going to feel a need to connect but not have that need fulfilled nearly to the degree we desired. We were guaranteed to be disappointed/sad even in the best of circumstances. Add to this that some things didn't go as we had hoped. People were late, traffic was bad, communication was off, etc. Of course, one option would have been to make the most of it, be grateful for what we did get, and enjoy it. That would have been a good way to go. That is not what I did.
SUBTLE DARKNESS
I got frustrated and let it simmer. I subtly took on a cursing attitude. I complained and fussed. I muttered and grumbled. I pointed out what I would have done differently. It spread through my soul like a plague. I was generally unaware of what was happening in me until I blew up at Laurie during the reception. I was waiting on her for something, and she didn't do what I wanted. I didn't realize I was upset until I saw her and just went off. I berated her for not doing something I wanted. I surprised myself and her with the emotion in my voice. I was clearly upset, but at root it had nothing to do with her. I had let this cursing attitude grow in me until it hurt someone I love. I apologized, and we reconciled, but the deeper work involved me recognizing how I had done exactly what I had written about in the last letter.
Humans are fascinating in that we can understand something without owning or embodying it. I can talk all day about blessing and cursing and then go and be a person of cursing as if I had never heard of the concept. We all are like that.
SHADOW
It came from an immature part of me I try to keep hidden which is why I speak of it as part of my shadow. By God's grace this situation brought it into the light. Now, because it came out like a feral animal, I was embarrassed and ashamed, and my initial response was to force it back into the dark. But that isn't very helpful for moving towards grace, love, and maturity. Instead, I dealt with the harm I caused, was kind to myself, and got curious about what happened. I won't go into all the details, but my goal was to be with Jesus with these parts of me and see what story they wanted to tell. That process allowed for revelation, healing, transformation, growth, and more wholeness. What was ugly in that moment at the reception became a beautiful opportunity for redemption and healing. In this way we can see failure and falling as gifts from God for grace and growth. Each of us has these hidden parts that make us look bad when they sneak out. Making time and space for their transformation, although counter-intuitive, is what God calls each of us to do. In the long run it will bring blessing to our community and bear much fruit for God's glory.
PROCESS
This means we separate the sinful acts from the parts of us that commit them. We deal with the sin but recognize that to move towards freedom, we need to release the parts of us that are trapped. Usually, these parts were put in prison or stuffed in our shadow because we were told they were unacceptable. Because they were hidden in the dark, they never had a chance to grow and mature. This is why we can come across in many situations as mature and healthy and even Christlike and then be in a certain circumstance and respond in "uncharacteristic" ways. Ever wonder about why you do this? It's not that we are all bad or that it was a one-off weird situation, but that certain parts of us when given the chance to make themselves heard, do it in very unhealthy ways.
Understanding this means that externally, we can stop blaming the situations we are in for our behavior. We can start feeling what we feel, acknowledging it, holding it, and expressing it. We may need to work backwards. Here's what I would do. The surface/visible behavior is critical/judgmental (cursing) grumbling and complaining. It comes from the shame and confusion and desire to hide I feel, and that is covering strong feelings activated by whatever is happening deeper in me. As I get down to the roots or to my heart or to certain parts of my heart, I can invite Jesus in to do his transformative work. Personally, I do this by having a conversation with Jesus and those parts which are probably from my much younger self. This may seem quite strange to you. I encourage you to consider it.
WORTH IT?
But why do all this work?
Lately, I've seen articles and podcasts by some influencers who are dogging therapy and interior work. They build a strawman showing the harms and misguidedness of focusing on ourselves and then tear it down. Maybe you have seen or heard these as well. What I don't hear from them is a better way to move towards healing and wholeness and maturity. Just sucking it up and trying harder and suppressing the feelings will not produce healthy fruit although it may bring a certain kind of false peace in the short run.
In my case, the result of my cursing mindset was anger and bitterness and bringing others down and lashing out at Laurie. It was sin but just confessing and repenting and trying harder is like picking rotten fruit off a tree, throwing it away, and expecting the tree to produce good fruit. It is good to throw away rotten fruit, but more work needs to be done if you want good fruit from a sick tree.
This is where the inner work can make a difference by God's grace. Whether that comes from personal time with Jesus and/or meeting with a therapist and/or connecting deeply with your community doesn't really matter. The key is to make space for it and let God's Spirit guide you into fullness and freedom.
CONCLUSION
I took a break from the regular series to share a personal testimony here. I pray it helps give some insight into the concept of maturity and Christlikeness and why I've been focusing on it. I also hope that it helps you in your own journey towards wholeness and freedom.
Please don't hesitate to share your stories with me. How are you seeing growth towards maturity and Christlikeness?
RESOURCES
A couple of helpful books around what I wrote above are:
Falling Upward: A Spirituality for the Two Halves of Life by Richard Rohr
No Bad Parts by Richard Schwartz
“No noble, well-grown tree ever disowned its dark roots, for it grows not only upward but downward as well.”
– Carl Jung