ABCs of Spiritual Formation: A is for Attachment
This is the first of a new series in which I will discuss spiritual formation through the letters of the alphabet. As I was preparing, I found some letters overflowing with possibilities while others were slim pickings. In the end, I was able to narrow it down and you can decide how I did. I tried to choose my words from those that would not be commonly considered. Hopefully, this will bear fruit with weekly letters that inform and entertain while always pushing us to grow more in love with Jesus as we make space to encounter Him. With that, let's get rolling...
ATTACHMENT
How would you characterize your first few years of life?
Were you in a stable situation with loving parents who had the health and capacity to love you well? Or was your situation more chaotic and unsettled? Were you comforted when upset? How would you describe your attachment to your parents or primary caregivers?
Appropriately, we start our series on spiritual formation with attachment. Our brains were formed early on to receive and give love in certain ways. If we were securely attached (most of us were not), then we will have healthier relationships. If we learned to avoid or cling or experienced inconsistent or even abusive care, then we will continue to live out of that until we get healing.
We experience joy when we look into the eyes of someone who loves us and is happy to be with us. The more of that we get, the healthier and higher our capacity to love will be. If we experienced it from people, we will be able to receive it from God. As we receive it from God, our capacity to love people will increase as well. At the same time, if we are unable to attach to people, we will find it difficult to connect with God relationally, and this will result in very little growth since our relationships are the most important factor in our growth and development. This is one reason why so many people stay at a rational/intellectual place with God, knowing about Him more than experiencing Him.
BIBLE?
We see this played out throughout the Bible. Read the Old Testament through this lens and notice how the characters live out of their healthy or unhealthy attachments. Jacob and Esau were shown favoritism by their mother and father respectively, and their character growth was stunted because of it. I could show this in story after story.
Another place we see this as Jim Wilder elucidates in Renovated is the Hebrew word hesed which is used throughout the OT and often translated as "steadfast love" or something similar. This word is difficult to translate but is best captured by the idea of attachment. Also, the Hebrew word dabeq which means to cling or adhere is often used to describe relationships as in Deut. 4:4 ("hold fast to the Lord").
Look at the blessing in Numbers 6. In verse 25 the idea of God's face shining on us is all about attachment and joy in the brain. May we experience God's face delighting in us, extremely happy to be with us to the point of dancing. In English we speak of someone's face "beaming". This is the picture. Picture someone you love looking at you and their face is beaming with delight because they are with you and love you so much. Now picture God's face doing that towards you. The blessing is written that way because that is how we are made. This continues throughout the Bible. In the New Testament the Hebrew hesed becomes the Greek agape. Read 1 Corinthians 13 and think of being attached to someone when it says "love". When we are part of a people, like a family, we will put up with so much more than when we don't have that attachment. Think of a mother with her child or God with us. We are His people; He has attached Himself to us and has committed to never let go. That is good news.
CONCLUSION
Therefore, as you think of your own growth in Christlikeness, please keep doing your Bible studies and your spiritual disciplines and meeting with your groups and taking your classes, but don't forget to engage the part of your brain that longs for attachment. If you are unhealthy in this area, then take steps to seek healing. This may include repentance; it may include counseling; you may need to deal with past trauma; maybe conversations with your parents will be helpful; read some books on the subject (see below for a few recommendations).
If this is a difficult area for you, do not be discouraged. Healing and growth are possible. Even if you had a horrible first chapter of life, God is bigger than that. Sometimes He transforms in a moment, but more often He works through long-term processes. We didn't become who we are today in a moment, and we won't become a new us in a moment either. It takes time and effort but remember that the gospel of grace is opposed to earning, not effort.
Books on Brains and Attachment
The Bridges of Chara: an allegory of your brain's emotional landscape by Denesia Christine Huttula
How We Love: Discover Your Love Style, Enhance Your Marriage by Milan Yerkovich & Kay Yerkovich
Renovated: God, Dallas Willard, and the Church That Transforms by Jim Wilder
The Other Half of Church: Christian Community, Brain Science, and Overcoming Spiritual Stagnation by Jim Wilder & Michel Hendricks
"Who we love has far more impact on character than what we believe."
Jim Wilder in Renovated
"For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror, but then face to face. Now I know in part, but then I will know fully, as I am fully known."
1 Corinthians 13:12