ABCs of Spiritual Formation: L is for Listen
"A man of knowledge uses words with restraint, and a man of understanding is even-tempered."
-- Proverbs 17:27
L is for Listen
LISTENING=LOVE
Of course, L is for Love. That's about as fat a pitch as can be thrown, but my thinking in this series is to choose words that may not be as obvious. If you want to read about love, you can find endless resources. Regardless, love is wonderful, God is love, and love is the result of all spiritual formation, or we are wasting our time. If what you are doing is not increasing your love for God and your neighbor (which includes your enemy), then it is time to stop and make serious changes.
In that light I have chosen Listen because very few actions show our love more than listening. In fact, researchers say that people equate listening with love. If you want to test this, the next time you are in a conversation with someone, stop listening to them and see how they respond. Ask them what emotions they felt. They will answer with words like devalued, disrespected, and even unloved. On the other side reflect on the last time you felt heard. Someone listened to you in such a way that you knew they were with you, could see you, and knew you. I guarantee you felt loved in a way you rarely do.
I teach courses on how to become a good listener. Honestly, I need to take my courses because I have a long way to go, but when group after group goes through the exercises many are transformed because of the experience. Unfortunately, being with someone who deeply listens is rare for most people. Thus, when it happens it is like an oasis after wandering in the desert.
“Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.”
― Stephen R. Covey
PROFESSIONAL
As a professional coach my job is to listen. I didn't realize how bad I was at it until I got trained. Note the massive chasm between hearing and listening. Hearing is about our ears receiving sound waves. Listening is about being fully present, giving our full attention. We listen with our minds, our bodies, our words, our intuition, and the Holy Spirit. Listening is about being quiet, but we still use words. Listening involves focusing and discernment. Listening engages my mind and my heart. When I listen, I must be able to self-regulate my emotions which means not letting my anxiety get the best of me. A good listener turns her thoughts and intuitions into powerful questions. A good listener does not turn the conversation to his experiences. Listening means I keep most of my stories to myself. A discerning listener knows when to be quiet and when to speak, when to ask a question and when to pray, when to encourage and when to exhort.
This may sound over the top so let me explain. In a normal conversation we experience a healthy back and forth. Either we are discussing something and each share our opinions back and forth or share stories or joke around or whatever, but the ebb and flow is good and should be mutual. For most people, listening in this kind of conversation is second nature and not listening well has little consequences. This kind of conversation usually only goes bad if someone talks too much or gets offended. Most of us don't need help in this kind of interaction.
A NEED
What I'm talking about is when someone needs to share something deeper. They are hurting or anxious or upset or scared or in transition and need to process. Most people need this kind of listening ear weekly or more. The problem is that most of us are not very good at listening or even recognizing the signs. We have our own needs and live in a world of distraction and lack of focus. In addition, we have not been given good models and haven't been trained to listen well.
Listening is both art and science. We can learn skills to employ, but the most important part of listening is the mindset of presence. Someone with poor skills but loving devotion and care will beat a distant, well-skilled listener 10 out of 10 times, BUT a highly skilled, loving, fully present person beats both every time. As mentioned earlier, this means we limit our stories, regulate our anxiety, withhold judgment, and keep the focus on the speaker rather than turning it to how we experienced the same thing. This isn't easy for most of us.
“The most important thing in communication is hearing what isn’t said.”
– Peter Drucker
LISTENING & GOD
We see this when it comes to listening to God. It requires slowing down and making space. It is on his schedule, not ours. We sit with him quietly in his Word and Spirit and wait for him to speak. This is a discipline until we make it a habit.
Conversely, God is the ultimate listener. He is always with us and catches every nuance and tonal shift in our words and voice. He welcomes us crying out to him with total honesty. He can handle it. And he always answers...eventually. He is always delighted when we come to him as truth tellers.
MATURITY SIGNS
One sign of growing maturity is how we listen which puts this writing into context. Precious little is written about maturity in Christ. One of my goals in this series, and really in almost everything I'm doing these days, is to raise the discussion on maturity in Christ. What are the signs that we are becoming like Jesus? One of them is in how we listen as experienced internally in our mindset and heart and externally in what people experience in our presence. As I wrote above, this growing ability to listen well is as good a sign as you will find on whether we are becoming loving people.
CONTEXT MATTERS
Now, in this context I am speaking of listening to friends and those who have something to share. Listening also applies to other contexts like classroom instruction or a spiritual sermon/lecture or children to parents. These are important as well and the Bible has much to say about them, but they are not my focus in the context of spiritual formation. Again, obviously we need to listen to instruction to grow, but in my experience, that is not the big detriment in our world. Our ability to listen to each other is the issue that both reveals and requires our spiritual formation attention.
BIBLE CONFIRMATION
Of course, the Bible has much to say about this. Let's look at some verses to highlight what I'm saying here:
· Proverbs 18:2 "A fool finds no pleasure in understanding but delights in airing his own opinions."
· Proverbs 18:13 "He who answers before listening- that is his folly and his shame."
· Philippians 2:3-4 "Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others."
· 1 Thessalonians 5:11,14 "Therefore encourage one another and build one another up, just as you are doing... And we urge you, brothers and sisters, warn those who are idle and disruptive, encourage the disheartened, help the weak, be patient with everyone."
· James 1:19 "My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry..."
This small sampling paints the picture I have taken many more words to elucidate. God's call is to consider others first and seek to understand and be slow to speak and to respond appropriately when we do speak.
“If we can share our story with someone who responds with empathy and understanding, shame can't survive.”
― Brené Brown
ACTION STEPS
If you made it this far and are looking for ways to grow as a listener, I encourage you to feel the urgency but plan for the long term. What will it look like for you to be a better listener next month, next year, in five years, ten years, 50 years?
In that light here are some practical steps you can take:
1. Make Space - As I mentioned above regularly make space to encounter God. We can focus on certain areas and see growth, but the real aim is to abide in Christ, to walk with him moment by moment. Making space for God consistently will do more than anything to transform us from the inside out.
2. Pray for God to grow you in this area. Note that you shouldn't expect to suddenly become a great listener because you prayed for it. More likely you will start noticing ways you fall short as a listener. Rejoice for this is a sign of God working in you.
3. Learn - Take a course, join a workshop, learn some listening skills. There is much out there. One option for you to consider is The Coaching Workshop I'll lead in April. Click to learn more. I am not exaggerating when I say you can do few things that will have a more positive impact on your listening skills and mindset. I did it ten years ago, and it changed my life.
4. Community - Engaging with a local community will give you countless opportunities to listen. Don't just go to church but engage. Be in a small group and form spiritual friendships. Join a Bible study and volunteer. Enter your community. I also encourage you to join Focustsoul if you haven't. Virtual communities can strengthen your growth.
5. Feedback - A vulnerable but very effective step is to ask those closest to you to give honest feedback about their experience of you listening to them. Give them permission to be honest and humbly receive what they have to say. This is a good practice for any area of growth you are pursuing.
6. Read Books on listening. Do a search. There are tons available which reinforces my contention this is a big issue. Books don't change us, but we can gain awareness. I would recommend choosing one and reading it with a group of friends who want to grow as well. The interaction will bear fruit.
7. Practice - Be intentional about practicing. Ask friends and family members to help you by sharing and you just listen. Then get their feedback. It will seem a bit stilted but will be a good step for you to grow.
GRACE & DEVELOPMENT
Let me close with one last word of encouragement. You may have read this and feel encouraged and inspired. Amen. Or perhaps you are discouraged and feel condemned. I pray this isn't the case, but if it is, remember that where you are today is not important. All it means is you know what development looks like. God's grace is abundant. He meets you where you are and is calling you to walk with him towards growth and maturity. He is inviting you to abide in him and become like him. He will give you everything you need to become who he created you to be. The simple call is to make space to encounter him and let him speak over you whatever he wants to say. I pray you find life in this process.
"There is a difference between listening and waiting for your turn to speak."
-- Simon Sinek